This is a forum post by the user indigo102
: Hi guys I need some advice from women or men who have already went through this.
I gave birth to my son 6 mos ago me and his dad were together during the whole pregnancy and doing great, he went to all of my Doc appts and when our child was born I was bed stricken so that left him with the responsibilities of taking care of a newborn...only for a couple of weeks but still he was hands on.
Approximately four months after the baby was born we decided that we were going to get married in Sept of 010 but there was alot of tension throughout the relationship. I am a go getter and I work hard to get the things that I want, he on the other hand is a slacker and I pretty much upgraded him.
Okay to make a long story *** of coarse we have now separated, so cliche' right?!? Lol..When we first decided to part ways I told him that we would just focus on being great parents to the child he agreed, ok but now it has been almost three months and he has not seen or done anything for this child. I am not really concerned about the finances because my son doesn't want for anything I have been very blessed.
What I am is, frustrated and angry at the fact that he tricked me and my family into believing that he would be such a great father and I also feel bad for my son because I feel that he should have a father. My question is should I take him to child support or just ride it out and let him go on about his life and me and my son go on with ours because at the end of the day he is the one who is missing out right?
"Approximately four months after the baby was born we decided that we were going to get married in Sept of 010 but there was alot of tension throughout the relationship. I am a go getter and I work hard to get the things that I want, he on the other hand is a slacker and I pretty much upgraded him." --------------------- There was your problem in a nutshell. 1. You got involved with a slacker. 2. You had a baby with said slacker without getting married. ------------------------ That's neither here nor there since it's in the past. However you need to understand that you CANNOT forge a relationship between a father and his son. If he is not concerned with his own child you cannot proceed to bang on that drum (you know how ladies do....massive phone calls...e-mails...drive-by's at his mothers house). All that will happen is you will become frustrated and bitter. And then take it out on your child for years to come. What you CAN do is form a STEEL tight relationship with this new-born baby you have. Something you DO have control over. Make sure you love him unconditionally and never EVER tell him "your daddy ain't ***". Let him come to that conclusion on his own.
What you must do is reiterate over and over to him that the cycle of deadbeat fathers MUST end with him, and not to have any children until he is married.
If child support is an option...hit him up. Make sure you check in with him periodically to let him know how his child is doing, and invite him to spend time with his children. Send him all of your forwarding addresses when you move. Other than that...nothing you can do...*** the *** and love your child
@ persian princess Upgraded him meaning that I helped get him the job that he has and I provided him with transportation etc...I am 31 years old and this is my first child, I thought that I would be married before I was to have any kids.
He and I were together for three years and before we got together we were friends for 10 years.
Unfortunaelty you can not put a time on life things happen. I never mislead him about anything and no he is not providing or supporting this child in any way.
The reason that I am debating because I can turn really mean at times and I do not want to be irrational.
I was thinking that maybe he would come around and if he don't its his lost.
Plus too I am very independent so I feel like if I have to make him do it then I dont want it!
It sounds like u dont need his ***...
But ur son is most definitely gunna need a father figure... Take him to court, and have them handle the money situation... But also see if theres a schedule u guys can work out, for the sake of your son... If he doesnt want to see his child. Just get that money from him.. *** f em. Move the hell on
I wish u the best
Yeap postporteum ok Imisspell this but anyway its always a killer when it come to first time parents. Thats where your tension comes from.
Now before you ladies start when a female have a child for the first year she is very emotional and yes sometimes postporteum can last up to the child is 5.
Indigo why dont you talk to him before you take any big measures toward him another thing even though you got your family but you are grown and can handle your business. Sometimes alot of folks in your business can do alot of damage.
Give him till the child is 1 year old to see what he is going to do and stop putting him down. If you want him to improve then you need to motivate him not for your relationship but for your child sake.
@PersianPrincess. Thats the thing everything is so extra expensive milk, carseats, clothes, pampers, etc.. Its just hard doing things by yourself I feel like I wasted my time too but I have learned that every situation may not work out the way that you want it to.
Maybe he was put in my life just to be the father of my child idk....
@Indigo
Im glad you are admitting this so now you have alot to think about. Go and talk to this man. Dont argue or nag. Dont put him down. Just communicate with each other. This is your child dad and you 2 was planning to get marry. Just because he is not making more then you dont mean he wont be a good man or a good dad.
Stop thinking the worst of things because it will get better. Go to your GYN and talk about your postparteum once again misspell. If you are going crying, stress or fatigue alot please go and get that check. Another thing when you are feeling low your child can detect this so at those time have a friend or your mom that can help you.
Formula is expensive but once the child is 6 months you can go half and half.
Hi Indigo102,
Just getting into the convo and here's my 2cent. lol Coming from a place of empathy I can tell u it's hard trying to figure it all out in these situations. My advice is to not worry yourself silly. The baby is still new and you have time to sort out the emotional part of it.
As far as the support, I say yes. Its money due your son, so u have a duty to collect it. You are blessed not to need it, so open a savings for your son and deposit the checks for his new car, college, etc. Why should the father have it so easy to walk away completely from responsibility anyhow?
Pray hard. Pray for the father, for the Lord to work on him. He is lost. The bond of a son is so precious, something is wrong in his life. Pray for him to walk with Jesus and realize his son needs him, his dad.
Its hard to explain it, but you have to be above the pettiness of it all. Its easy to fight, but what will that solve? He has to want to be there, right now, he doesnt. How are his relatives about the baby, by the way? I would send a pic every now and again to him and his family, just to keep him updated on his progress and be the bigger person. But dont use the baby as a reason to keep in touch, if u catch me.
Keep positive male role models around to "guide" your son as he gets older (your dad, uncle, brother, etc)
Its really a toss up on whether he'll come around or not and see the light, but love your baby as much as you can, do fun spontaneous things with him, and record all the memories as he grows. Let him feel all the love you can give. Wearing both hats is no easy feat, but hey, you're not the first--and wont be the last :o)
You can do it! :o)
@persianprincess- Yes girl you are so right about that because I am like a lioness and he is my cub. I love this little man soooo much so it makes me angry to know that he is running around not even thinking about him, Lord help me!!! lol...
@tinaxoxo- Hey girl thanks for the advice that was one of my things too, wondering how much and if it was even worth the process.
I am so ready to give up on him but I am trying to remain calm because I feel like it is important for a son to have an relationship with their dad.
On the other hand I have seen it happen where a woman had to raise a little boy by herself and he turned out great but I never in a million years thought that it would be happening to me.
Watch what you say people because you never know the twist and turns of life.
@joey101 I have done just that, I have invited him to visit his son whenever he wants but I am over it because he has never taken me up on any of it. So do I continue to send text mess and pictures? ------------- yes. It's his child. If he jerks you around, let that be on his conscience. But you don't want your child to grow up knowing that you never even tried to reunite him with his father.
Yeah, that's sort of what I was trying to insinuate with the "welcoming" environment thing. Lol. @the benefits of b-feeding, I went up a cup and a half!!
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I be trying to tell dude when they was going to the doctors they should been asking about the postporteum and how to deal with it. If its hitting her hard she going to need time out rght now.
Indigo let me ask you something because right now we are hearing your side without his side. Now going to be honest I know how you females get after having a baby yall become demanding, smart mouth and want things yall way.
Now be honest did you run dude away with your attitude by putting dude down and arguing alot.
Agree with Tina
With my first one my wife was going to war with me the first year after she was born. I was scare straight.
You tripping about formula do you really want to know when it get hard.
Enjoy your son while he is young becuase once he become a teen that when you really going to need 2 parents. You got it good right now.
So true, I think father's, mother's and their family should be aware of it. Those mood swings, hormonal changes coupled with lifestyle changes are no joke.
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Tina everything you listed is no joke.
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And perhaps calling him a deadbeat dad to his face? 9999
This probably the main factor of the situation. You cant do that just you are the bread winner of the household.
Go ahead and file for child support all its going to do is make him run futher away. Child support dont take away the stree and the pain of raising a kid by yourself.
Go and talk to that man. See if you can work it out,
@whyohme- I have to admit that I was a bit demanding and I have a very overbearing attitude. You are right be pregnant just made it extra so we did nothing but argued and I have said alot of things to him that I regret saying but I can not take those words back,
We ended our relationship which is fine but you can not end a relationship with your child, this is a lifetime commitment.
When we parted we agreed to take on our responsibilities together as parents but he has reneged.
@tinaxoxoandwhyohme- Lol!!! Yall I have let this man have it but only because he is acting like a immature, irresponsible ***. I have called him every deadbeat in the book.
Oh I forgot to add that his family is the same way... like his mom would call and say that she is coming over to visit her grandson and for like two months straight she was a no show.
She (his grandmother) has not seen this baby since he was two months old, this is her second grandson so I will never understand that family.
They did not even call for Xmas and this was his first Xmas, those folks are so sad.
I agree Tina. Indigo a year from now when you about to walk down the aisle, all this stress that you have now is going to be a joke.
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I think that's going to be the best solution. You might have to keep trying but its worth it. Maybe be more firm (but not aggressive) about scheduling time to see his son. Maybe something convenient, invite him over for dinner. Start with baby steps while you try to ease him back into the responsibilities of fatherhood.
@tinaxoxoandwhyohme- Lol!!! Yall I have let this man have it but only because he is acting like a immature, irresponsible ***. I have called him every deadbeat in the book.
Oh I forgot to add that his family is the same way... like his mom would call and say that she is coming over to visit her grandson and for like two months straight she was a no show.
She (his grandmother) has not seen this baby since he was two months old, this is her second grandson so I will never understand that family.
They did not even call for Xmas and this was his first Xmas, those folks are so sad.
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Here a solution instead of waiting on her take your son to her so she can never say anything bad. take your son to his dad and drop him off. then you leave.
Problem solve.
it sounds like the pregnancy/hormormones was an excuse to do wat he wanted to do already--leave.
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Naw dont say that because its not sn excuse. We as men dont know how to deal with postpartum. Postpartum is a killer to a relationship. Every female deal with postpartum od different but if both are not strong enough it can do alot of damage.
Indigo probably was a death sentence with her mouth. She put him down along with the arguments. He probably couldnt deal with that. Plus being a new father is scary.
Lol, I used to get *** @ my son's dad for his insensitivity. He wanted me to do EVERYTHING like it was my automatic duty!! You have no idea how many times I wanted to key *selfish b1tch* into his car, but, I always had to remember my son came first.
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I didnt see this part. Going to tell you something I was like that too. I didnt want to hurt her. She was glass to me. You should had took time out and taught him how to change and feed his son. There are ways to get around that selfish ways.
Soon your son will need to be potty train thats his job. Let him teach his son how to used the toilet.
Problem solve.
@whyohme- I am going to do just that, I am going to start by caling up The father tomorrow (lol) and then I will call the grandmother.
I am really going to try a differnt route tomorrow and I will let you guys know what the outcome was with a post.
Sigh)...Thank all of you sooo much,you guys just do not realize how much you have helped me out, this was like my therapy session.
@princessamber- His people acted like they were so in love with me and when they found out they we were preggers and got engaged boy o boy were they elated.
See his mother dealt with and is still dealing with some issues of her own. They do no not have a solid relationship I was their means of communication.
That's why I thought that he would be a great dad because he always said that he wanted his child to have everything that he did not have. Idk just crazy, I guess what they say is true... You are a product of your environment!
well i can understand that, but then why doesnt the family receive the baby? That part got me
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There could be alot of reasons but to sit around and wait for the grandmother to come is a waste of time. She can take him over there to see her.
Right now the family probably know what is going on but dont want to get involved with the issue. If she want her son to know his grandmother then she can take him over there. Stop waiting for them and dont expect for her to be a babysitter either.
@princess amber- Girl your guess is just as good as mine.
He have one brother and his brother and his girlfriend had a child a year ago and the she have my son. So it is not like she have a ton of grandchildren, you know?
I will never get i guess but I will try tomorrow and I want for all of you to check in to see the outcome.
Thanks again for your time and great advice....May God bless you all
focus on your happiness and your childs. If you spend too much time trying to work it out with him and obviously thats not what he wants then you are going to miss out on the man that is suppose to be this little mans daddy...let that boy u had a baby with live his life and i promise you as soon as you stop wrrying about if he is going to come or do somethng finacially another man will step into your life that loves you and your son...but if you focus on the one thats not coming around you are not going to recognize your help when God sends it.
Just accept the fact that he is not the man you thought he was...and keep moving too many GREAT step daddys out here to be tripping on these donors.
and please no one come back with "thats not fair, and thats his responsibility" LIFE IS NOT FAIR but it can still be enjoyed...think logically so yeah put his azz on child support and forget about him. You wouldnt turn down a check from anybody else once a month would you? Then dont turn this one down either even if it isonly 100 bucks...THINK LOGICALLY take out all the feelings and emotions and be logical about this.
